Crack that Whip

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Subliminal Slip?

So I happened to walk into the breakroom at work where this girl was eating her lunch (at 10 am, she works the morning show). I was hungry and needed something to eat from the vending machine. So I put my dollar in, of course flirting the whole time. But I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. So.. I asked her what I should get. She said, "Uhhh.. F.... 2.. I don't know." "Okay.. F......2....." When I saw what F2 was, I just busted out laughing. She said, "What? What is it?" I said, "How appropriate. It's a package of 'Ding Dongs.'" I settle for gummy fruit.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

So I went to the Fiesta Bowl...

So I went to Phoenix, Arizona, for the Fiesta Bowl... yeah.

At what point do people rationalize driving 32 hours round trip to see a football game? Somewhere along the way, I did. And so did three of my friends. And why four men would drive a car instead of a van or SUV also amazes me. But we did it. And we did it about as quickly as we could.

So what was worse, the drive out there or the drive back? Good question. Glad you asked. They both sucked. The drive there took me from Tulsa.. to Oklahoma City, where I met up with the guys. We then drove to Amarillo, Texas, where my thick headed friend finally decided to go south instead of plow through the snow and ice. (My guess it was because a sign read "I-40 West Closed for next 36 hours". But that's just my guess.) We then went straight south the home of Buddy Holley, Lubbock, Texas... then over to El Paso, or basically Mexico. At one point we stopped at a checkpoint where they were looking for illegal aliens. They glanced at my large Indian friend Les, then decided to let us pass. We then went to Tucson and finally.. 17 hours after our trip, we arrived in Phoenix.

What happened in between our arrival and the OU versus Boise State game, stays in Arizona.

As for the game.. I don't need to say anything other than "PATHETIC."

We left immediately after the implosion, storming out of the University of Phoenix Stadium, cussing the coaches, players, officials, Boise State fans and players, the old guy behind the concession counter that gave me a salted pretzel, bottled water and a churro for 25 bucks... all while asking ourselves why the hell we drove so far for so little.

The drive home took us north then east on I-40, which had finally opened a day before our journey back to God's country. I didn't sleep well. Maybe it was because I was still upset. Maybe it was because Les was driving 95 mph through ice while text messaging. We arrived home 13 hours later. Exhausted. Tired. Still pissed.

Would I ever do another road trip again? Glad you asked. Probably not. But who knows. Obviously my friends and I are idiots.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Redneck Christmas..

For the first time in 29 years, I'm taking someone other than myself to my family's Christmas gathering.

The gathering itself is quite an eccletic group that seems to have only two things in common: blood.. and annual holiday celebrations on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve at Grandma Doodle's and Aunt Ramona's house.

One of the traditions that I dread is the annual picture taking. Every year, "the kids" reluctantly get together as "the parents" or paparazzi take a half hundred pictures. And every year our numbers grow. In recent years the number of kids have grown substantially as many marry and have children. And for the past several years, the oldest great-grandchild, yours truly, has been standing alone while his younger brother and cousins have increased their group size (or in some cases swapped out companions.)

Another tradition that began several years ago was the "Dirty Santa" exchange. What could be more redneck than a bunch of people exchanging everything from Mad Dog 20/20 to plastic poop. Are either of those gifts good gifts? Seriously. One year someone thought Beanie Babies would be a great gift. Only thing is, none of us knew they were just for the kids. So when our now deceased 96 year old great grandmother tried to steal a beanie baby from an 8 year old child, she had no idea the child would scream bloody murder and that she would pissed off the child's mother.

Yeah this girl doesn't know what she's in for. Hopefully they'll shy away from the "Oriental" and "Chink" jokes, but who knows. The word 'tact' isn't in the majority of my family's vocabulary. Neither is bathing but you get used to the smell after a while. YEEEEHAW!!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Puffy & Red

I heard that my little niece already looks different than she did in the hospital less than a week ago. She's lost the puffiness in her face and around her eyes. And she doesn't have those red blotches on her face anymore.

I compare it to taking a long bath or shower and 'pruning up.' It's kind of what babies do if you think about it. I mean, they're in liquid.

I love my friend Bryan's explanation about the whole thing, "You'd be all puffy and red too if you'd spent 9 months in vagina water."

Yeah, I'd probably would be. You're so right.


My friend has been neutered.

I won't give his real name as not to totally embarrass him. We'll call him "Chuck".

This weekend is of course, OU vs. Texas weekend. A weekend when fans from both schools don their crimson and cream or burnt orange and white and honor the gladiators that rule the realm of college football. It's a time when friends can become enemies. A time when love turns to hate. A time when a red river divides more than just two states. And a time when a die hard OU fan has his balls put in a vice by his die hard Texas fan of a wife.

"Chuck" is having his testicals squoze. My friend has lost his fire. For years he was "we." WE've gathered together to watch many a matchups. For several years we even made the trip down to Dallas and paid what little money we had as college students, to buy tickets to the shootout. Our last year there, we enjoyed a 64-13 destruction of the Shorthorns by the Sooners ON THE 50-YARD LINE, about 20 rows up.

This year we're having a watch party at another friends home. But "Chuck" will only be there for the first half. That's because his wife, Lucifer, has already promised someone else they'd watch the game there. With mostly TEXAS fans none the less! So they're leaving at halftime. Since when did women make a decision about a football game?!?! Never in my book. NEVER!

Gentlemen, when it comes to buying furniture for your living room or bedroom, that's a 50/50 decision between a husband and wife. But when it comes to watching a game of any sort, the MAN makes the decision. If you want to buy new curtains then let her decide.

When "Chuckie" was in Egypt's land.. Let my "Chuckie" go!!!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Two Weeks in Tulsa

Well I've survived the move. The move to Tulsa. And now I'm bored.

I have the internet at my apartment for the first time in.. well ever. I've already looked at all the porn I've missed over the years. Wow, there are a lot of adult sites out there.

Anyway the apartment complex I live in is pretty nice. It's a little sketchy but honestly, it's better than my old neighborhood in OKC. Although I do missed Troy a bit.

I've been here about a week and I haven't heard any neighbors fighting or having sex. (Unlike at our apartment in OKC, right Les?!?! FYI, a cup to a wall really does help you hear things better. At least that's what Les says.)

The job is good. Thursday I pissed off my main female anchor so I'm beginning to feel right at home. I decided to put in "new" news. As opposed to "old" news she's used to seeing.

If there's anything I've learned in my two weeks in Tulsa so far, it's this: I can get lost in any town at any time.

It took me 20 minutes to get to work on my first day and an hour and a half to get home. I like to think I took the "scenic route" back.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My New Trainer

I've hit a new stage in my life. I've become a victim of the late night infomercial.
Last week I bought "Billy's Boot Camp." You've heard of it. Billy Blanks combines his legendary Tae Bo training with an exciting fast paced aerobic workout that's sure to burn fat and boost energy!! Okay so I've seen the advertisement a few times. Look I'm just trying to tone up my midsection okay! GET OFF MY BACK!

So this weekend I get the DVDs. This morning I pushed my coffee table and recliner out of the way and I tackle "Mission One" right in the middle of my living room. Have you ever done aerobics on TV before? Even in the privacy of my own home I couldn't believe what I was doing. I felt like a total idiot punching and kicking to music. I also thought I was a pretty good athlete until I tried the punch, punch, hook, kick combination. I probably tripped over myself a half dozen times.

In my desperate attempt to shed weight, I've taken drastic measures. But I'm determined to get ripped before my 10 year reunion in September. I'll let you know how "Mission Two: firming up that butt" and "Mission Three: toning and lengthening those lucious legs" goes.

And please, if you know my dad, don't tell him I'm doing this. He'd be nearly as ashamed as I am.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My Crazy Neighbor Troy

So police arrested my crazy neighbor this morning.

If you haven't ever heard me talk about Troy, you've certainly missed out. Today was pretty humerous. As I was about to leave for work this morning I heard him yelling (which actually isn't uncommon). I looked outside and he was pleading with four Oklahoma City police officers in my front yard. At one point he dropped to his knees to plead his case. Not long after that something made two of the officers crack up laughing. Not suprising if you've ever talked to Troy.

Not 5 minutes later I hear a "knock, knock, knock" on my front door. It was the sergeant in charge. I opened the door and the conversation went something like this:

Sergeant: "Hello, sir. Do you know this guy (pointing to Troy)?"

Me: "Yes sir. That's Troy."

Sergeant: "He's nuttier than a fruitcake, isn't he."

Me: "Yes sir."

Sergeant: "He said you'd vouch for him."

Me: "Haha.. Well I don't know about that sir."

Sergeant: "Well I'm going to take him in for a psych evaluation, so you won't be seeing him for about 72 hours."

Me: "Okay."

Turns outs some neighbors called the police last night as Troy was running around an illegal camp fire in his backyard, naked, beating on one my 5-gallon buckets, and saying "Praise the Lord!! SHIT! Pass the ammunition!!"

I guess he had it coming.

The only thing that upsets me about his arrest is that Troy promised to water my lawn today. I guess that'll have to wait now.