Crack that Whip

Subliminal Slip?

2007-01-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

So I happened to walk into the breakroom at work where this girl was eating her lunch (at 10 am, she works the morning show). I was hungry and needed something to eat from the vending machine. So I put my dollar in, of course flirting the whole time. But I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. So.. I asked her what I should get. She said, "Uhhh.. F.... 2.. I don't know." "Okay.. F......2....." When I saw what F2 was, I just busted out laughing. She said, "What? What is it?" I said, "How appropriate. It's a package of 'Ding Dongs.'" I settle for gummy fruit.

So I went to the Fiesta Bowl...

2007-01-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

So I went to Phoenix, Arizona, for the Fiesta Bowl... yeah.

At what point do people rationalize driving 32 hours round trip to see a football game? Somewhere along the way, I did. And so did three of my friends. And why four men would drive a car instead of a van or SUV also amazes me. But we did it. And we did it about as quickly as we could.

So what was worse, the drive out there or the drive back? Good question. Glad you asked. They both sucked. The drive there took me from Tulsa.. to Oklahoma City, where I met up with the guys. We then drove to Amarillo, Texas, where my thick headed friend finally decided to go south instead of plow through the snow and ice. (My guess it was because a sign read "I-40 West Closed for next 36 hours". But that's just my guess.) We then went straight south the home of Buddy Holley, Lubbock, Texas... then over to El Paso, or basically Mexico. At one point we stopped at a checkpoint where they were looking for illegal aliens. They glanced at my large Indian friend Les, then decided to let us pass. We then went to Tucson and finally.. 17 hours after our trip, we arrived in Phoenix.

What happened in between our arrival and the OU versus Boise State game, stays in Arizona.

As for the game.. I don't need to say anything other than "PATHETIC."

We left immediately after the implosion, storming out of the University of Phoenix Stadium, cussing the coaches, players, officials, Boise State fans and players, the old guy behind the concession counter that gave me a salted pretzel, bottled water and a churro for 25 bucks... all while asking ourselves why the hell we drove so far for so little.

The drive home took us north then east on I-40, which had finally opened a day before our journey back to God's country. I didn't sleep well. Maybe it was because I was still upset. Maybe it was because Les was driving 95 mph through ice while text messaging. We arrived home 13 hours later. Exhausted. Tired. Still pissed.

Would I ever do another road trip again? Glad you asked. Probably not. But who knows. Obviously my friends and I are idiots.

A Redneck Christmas..

2006-12-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 29 years, I'm taking someone other than myself to my family's Christmas gathering.

The gathering itself is quite an eccletic group that seems to have only two things in common: blood.. and annual holiday celebrations on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve at Grandma Doodle's and Aunt Ramona's house.

One of the traditions that I dread is the annual picture taking. Every year, "the kids" reluctantly get together as "the parents" or paparazzi take a half hundred pictures. And every year our numbers grow. In recent years the number of kids have grown substantially as many marry and have children. And for the past several years, the oldest great-grandchild, yours truly, has been standing alone while his younger brother and cousins have increased their group size (or in some cases swapped out companions.)

Another tradition that began several years ago was the "Dirty Santa" exchange. What could be more redneck than a bunch of people exchanging everything from Mad Dog 20/20 to plastic poop. Are either of those gifts good gifts? Seriously. One year someone thought Beanie Babies would be a great gift. Only thing is, none of us knew they were just for the kids. So when our now deceased 96 year old great grandmother tried to steal a beanie baby from an 8 year old child, she had no idea the child would scream bloody murder and that she would pissed off the child's mother.

Yeah this girl doesn't know what she's in for. Hopefully they'll shy away from the "Oriental" and "Chink" jokes, but who knows. The word 'tact' isn't in the majority of my family's vocabulary. Neither is bathing but you get used to the smell after a while. YEEEEHAW!!

Puffy & Red

2006-11-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

I heard that my little niece already looks different than she did in the hospital less than a week ago. She's lost the puffiness in her face and around her eyes. And she doesn't have those red blotches on her face anymore.

I compare it to taking a long bath or shower and 'pruning up.' It's kind of what babies do if you think about it. I mean, they're in liquid.

I love my friend Bryan's explanation about the whole thing, "You'd be all puffy and red too if you'd spent 9 months in vagina water."

Yeah, I'd probably would be. You're so right.

Freedom!!

2006-11-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

My friend has been neutered.

I won't give his real name as not to totally embarrass him. We'll call him "Chuck".

This weekend is of course, OU vs. Texas weekend. A weekend when fans from both schools don their crimson and cream or burnt orange and white and honor the gladiators that rule the realm of college football. It's a time when friends can become enemies. A time when love turns to hate. A time when a red river divides more than just two states. And a time when a die hard OU fan has his balls put in a vice by his die hard Texas fan of a wife.

"Chuck" is having his testicals squoze. My friend has lost his fire. For years he was "we." WE've gathered together to watch many a matchups. For several years we even made the trip down to Dallas and paid what little money we had as college students, to buy tickets to the shootout. Our last year there, we enjoyed a 64-13 destruction of the Shorthorns by the Sooners ON THE 50-YARD LINE, about 20 rows up.

This year we're having a watch party at another friends home. But "Chuck" will only be there for the first half. That's because his wife, Lucifer, has already promised someone else they'd watch the game there. With mostly TEXAS fans none the less! So they're leaving at halftime. Since when did women make a decision about a football game?!?! Never in my book. NEVER!

Gentlemen, when it comes to buying furniture for your living room or bedroom, that's a 50/50 decision between a husband and wife. But when it comes to watching a game of any sort, the MAN makes the decision. If you want to buy new curtains then let her decide.

When "Chuckie" was in Egypt's land.. Let my "Chuckie" go!!!

Two Weeks in Tulsa

2006-10-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well I've survived the move. The move to Tulsa. And now I'm bored.

I have the internet at my apartment for the first time in.. well ever. I've already looked at all the porn I've missed over the years. Wow, there are a lot of adult sites out there.

Anyway the apartment complex I live in is pretty nice. It's a little sketchy but honestly, it's better than my old neighborhood in OKC. Although I do missed Troy a bit.

I've been here about a week and I haven't heard any neighbors fighting or having sex. (Unlike at our apartment in OKC, right Les?!?! FYI, a cup to a wall really does help you hear things better. At least that's what Les says.)

The job is good. Thursday I pissed off my main female anchor so I'm beginning to feel right at home. I decided to put in "new" news. As opposed to "old" news she's used to seeing.

If there's anything I've learned in my two weeks in Tulsa so far, it's this: I can get lost in any town at any time.

It took me 20 minutes to get to work on my first day and an hour and a half to get home. I like to think I took the "scenic route" back.

My New Trainer

2006-07-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

I've hit a new stage in my life. I've become a victim of the late night infomercial.
Last week I bought "Billy's Boot Camp." You've heard of it. Billy Blanks combines his legendary Tae Bo training with an exciting fast paced aerobic workout that's sure to burn fat and boost energy!! Okay so I've seen the advertisement a few times. Look I'm just trying to tone up my midsection okay! GET OFF MY BACK!

So this weekend I get the DVDs. This morning I pushed my coffee table and recliner out of the way and I tackle "Mission One" right in the middle of my living room. Have you ever done aerobics on TV before? Even in the privacy of my own home I couldn't believe what I was doing. I felt like a total idiot punching and kicking to music. I also thought I was a pretty good athlete until I tried the punch, punch, hook, kick combination. I probably tripped over myself a half dozen times.

In my desperate attempt to shed weight, I've taken drastic measures. But I'm determined to get ripped before my 10 year reunion in September. I'll let you know how "Mission Two: firming up that butt" and "Mission Three: toning and lengthening those lucious legs" goes.

And please, if you know my dad, don't tell him I'm doing this. He'd be nearly as ashamed as I am.

My Crazy Neighbor Troy

2006-06-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

So police arrested my crazy neighbor this morning.

If you haven't ever heard me talk about Troy, you've certainly missed out. Today was pretty humerous. As I was about to leave for work this morning I heard him yelling (which actually isn't uncommon). I looked outside and he was pleading with four Oklahoma City police officers in my front yard. At one point he dropped to his knees to plead his case. Not long after that something made two of the officers crack up laughing. Not suprising if you've ever talked to Troy.

Not 5 minutes later I hear a "knock, knock, knock" on my front door. It was the sergeant in charge. I opened the door and the conversation went something like this:

Sergeant: "Hello, sir. Do you know this guy (pointing to Troy)?"

Me: "Yes sir. That's Troy."

Sergeant: "He's nuttier than a fruitcake, isn't he."

Me: "Yes sir."

Sergeant: "He said you'd vouch for him."

Me: "Haha.. Well I don't know about that sir."

Sergeant: "Well I'm going to take him in for a psych evaluation, so you won't be seeing him for about 72 hours."

Me: "Okay."

Turns outs some neighbors called the police last night as Troy was running around an illegal camp fire in his backyard, naked, beating on one my 5-gallon buckets, and saying "Praise the Lord!! SHIT! Pass the ammunition!!"

I guess he had it coming.

The only thing that upsets me about his arrest is that Troy promised to water my lawn today. I guess that'll have to wait now.

What's the Deal?!?

2006-06-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't get it.

I mean I'm a catch. I'm a winner. Successful. Charming. Funny... Modest.

So why am I having such trouble finding a good woman? I'm not getting any younger that's for sure. And I'm not as "tone" as I was at 21. You're body stops growing and starts to deteriorate at 25. I'm almost four years into the 'deterioration process', and it's showing. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Some people tell I'm looking in the wrong places. Like work. A bar. A street corner. The phonebook. I say it's because I've yet to find anyone who I'm attracted to, AND who's single.

Lets face it. Guys are smarter than you ladies think. If they weren't, then there would be a lot more attractive, intelligent, funny, SINGLE women out there. But there aren't. And it's because the biggest idiots swipe them up faster than Kobayashi eats hot dogs. The guys know it's NOW or NEVER! That if they don't swoop down now, they'll never find anything better.

Now I'm not saying there aren't any wonderful single women out there. But there aren't any that I've come across. And I mean, come on! Just look what they're missing out on!

This Blog Bites! Hard!

2006-05-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is a first.

You see, apart, my parents opinions on women I should date mean little to me. But together, when they agree on a person, it peaks my interest.

In the past, mom has been known to pick the smart, witty, funny girls with great personality but that lack in the looks department. Dad on the other hand, likes hot women who tend to be, sorry, dumb as rocks. Put them together however, and it's a dangerous combination of possible potential.

Recently this phenomenon occurred. Both of my parents agreed that a young woman in their church could have potential, and in their book may help create the grandchildren they so look forward to seeing: cute little curly blonde haired, blue eyed, smart asses that make raising me worth it. You could call it, "Payback."

After two weeks of talking her up, my mother called me the other day and asked if I'd like to have her phone number or email. I said, "Sure. Why not." I was a little hesitant. After all, being set up by your parents is right above logging onto a computer and spending 50 bucks a month hoping you'll find your soulmate on a dating website. It's a last resort and it rarely works.

Two hours passed, and I get a phone call from my brother. It went something like this:

"Hey Cody. What's up?"
"What's up?"

"Hey, mom didn't want to hurt your feelings but.. that girl doesn't want to give you her number. I guess she read your blog and didn't think you two would have anything at all in common."

"Really?"

"Yeah man, sorry."

"It's cool. That saves me money."

"Yeah. Well, talk to you later."

"Later."

It's funny how mom's react. I called her and she was upset. She said, "Well if she thinks your blog is bad, then she just doesn't get our family's humor. It wouldn't have worked out anyway."

I love my mom.

Dad's reaction?

"Sorry man. I thought she was hot. It was your mom that thought she was smart."

Love dad too.

Stop being such jerks!

2006-03-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

You know, some guys just piss me off.

I went on a date with this girl recently. We had a great time. We laughed, we enjoyed each others company and we'll likely go out again (Unless she reads this blog). Unfortunately, because of her ex-boyfriend, she's not very high on guys right now. She told me that she's, "not ready to date anyone else seriously right now because she's still hurt." She said this despite saying she is interested in me.

You know, I wish I could take this Ex behind a woodshed and whip is little punk butt. It's insecure, controlling jackasses like him that manipulate women and hurt them so much, that in certain cases women decide no man can ever make them happy, and they decide to "try lesbianism." (By the way I take no responsibility in turning three of my former girlfriends, Nakia, Valerie, or Nicki into lesbians. They were born that way.)

Now of course, not all women take as drastic of steps but many still decide they hate men for a period. That's the case of this latest woman. And as upset as I am with this ex-boyfriend, part of the blame should lie on the young female who has helped lead to my frustration.

I don't understand why women date losers. Why do you date guys that treat you like crap? Why?! Ladies, let's face it. At some point, every guy is going to be a jerk. EVERY GUY. Even the nice guys. So, if you date a guy who's a jerk now, in time, he'll only become a bigger jerk. Do you really want that? Sure, the beat down may be tolerable at first. But 5 years down the road you could be so battered and bruised emotionally, that you have little or nothing left at all to give someone. Someone who might be just what you've always wanted.

I know it may be hard at first, but girl.. it's time to forget about the zero, and get with the hero. Before it's too late and this opportunity passes.

My time off...

2006-02-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged much lately as you can see. But there's a good reason for that. I've been busy. Yep, work and school have taken my precious time.

Okay that's a lie. Actually I've just been lazy. I haven't really had much to talk about either. And today's really no different.

So...

What to talk about...

So I've been running.. Nah, that's boring.

I hung out with some friends the other night.. we watch "Domino" with Kiera Knightly. Nah.

I'm going to the Coldplay concert tonight. I plan on buying a few t-shirts. No, that's just plain gay.

I had a date recently. Okay that's not true.

Oh I know what I can talk about.. How about the fact my YOUNGER brother's having a baby with his wife and my roommate's getting engaged and moving out so I'm about to be the poor(er) crazy single uncle that will be blamed for his nephew's first "encounter with alcohol", who'll tell the boy to, "just stay in the car while I hit the strip club and if you get out monsters will eat you", who's only getting older and slowly sinking into an abyss of boring livelihood which consists of watching Giada De Laurentiis on the Food Network, while eating a cheese sandwich and scrambled eggs, wondering why I can't cook something like that, but then realizing it's because I don't own a stove, microwave, etc., because I had to sell them to pay rent in a house my brother owns.

Other than that, things are cool. I'm now going to turn off the lights, turn on a little Coldplay, slip out of my clothing and into a deep depression. Blah....

Mexican Dish..

2005-11-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

The other day I got a mexican food cook book in the mail at work.

It's a good book. Lots of great recipes. The only problem is, if you want to buy it for yourself, it'll cost you $30.

So I thought to myself, why would I buy the book.. when for $30, I could hire a real Mexican to cook the meals for me?

The Bachelor Diet..

2005-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

At what point does a meal become sad and disgusting?

Some would say it's starts when a man becomes a bachelor. I'll give you a couple of examples of hard food times that I've recently dealt with:

Last night for dinner I ate scrabbled eggs and tuna fish. What looked like a perfectly delicious and healthy meal to me, looked awful to my roommate's girlfriend. She didn't have to say a word. Her contorted facial expression said it all. And so did her mouth, "You're eating eggs and tuna?!?! Ewww!!"

The night before that and the night before that, I had turkey and cheese on crackers and Pizza Rolls. I picked the crackers because I was out of bread. The Pizza Rolls because it was the only frozen item besides corn I could fix in the microwave. My beverage of choice: water. Again, another weird look from the roommate's girlfriend.

But the best was a couple of weeks ago. I ate a sandwich at work with the heels of the bread. Who eats the heels? I'll tell you who. The hungry and desperate-for-food bachelor, that's who. I also made the mistake of asking my co-workers the question, "So if it's not moldy, does bread go bad?" All the girls swealed and cringed. Me? I, while tearing off a moldy spot, just enjoyed my cheese and mayonaise sandwich.. and smiled.

My Trip to Mexico..

2005-10-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

I recently took a trip to the border town of Reynosa, Mexico. Population 1.25 million.. and growing.

It was a mission trip to the Rio Bravo Children's Home. The home houses more than 75 children, each special in their own way, with their own horrible story of abandonment. Life in the orphanage however, is much better than life outside the gates. It's like an oasis in a hell hole, supported entirely by donations and volunteers.

During my visit, I helped six other men clear a field and build a fence. During the trip I learned how to use a brush hog, how to put up a cyclone fence and how to gain a closer relationship with God. Each man also taught me a little bit about themselves and I'd like to share what I learned.

Scott-Scott taught me no matter how bad my sunburn gets, his will always be much, much worse. Scott is a true redneck.

Mark-Mark taught me no matter where you go in life, somehow, someway, you can always pick up a Texas Longhorn football game on the radio.

Kermit-Kermit taught me to slow down. He moves at his own speed and sleeps whenever he's tired. Whether it's during a water break, church, or a football game, anytime, is sleeping time.

Mike L.-He taught me that I'm not the only one who talks in his sleep. "Get up!"

Roger-Roger taught me how to build a fence and build it right the first time. He also taught me that there is finally another person in the world with as many lame farming/ranching/hauling/bailing and near death experience stories, as my dad.

Dad-Wow. My Dad. He's great. He's an entertainer. I learned on this trip that if I listen twice as often as I speak.. I may just have enough time to listen to about 10-percent of his life stories. Fortunately for the rest of us, we ran out of time before he could finish them all.

Honesty, I wouldn't trade my experience for anything. I hope to go back someday with each one of these guys.

Me and Brad Pitt.. the Scary Similarities..

2005-10-06T13:15:00.000-07:00

It's uncanny. I mean, I have more in common with the guy than I do with my best friend.

I'm talking about Brad Pitt. Don't believe me? Than just look at the similarities:

Brad Pitt was born in Shawnee, Oklahoma. I was born in Shawnee, Oklahoma.

Brad Pitt moved away from Shawnee at an early age. I too moved away at an early age.

Brad Pitt grew up in a Baptist home. I grew up in a Baptist home.

Brad Pitt went to college to study Journalism. I studied journalism in college.

Brad Pitt's one of the few blonde haired men in the U.S. So am I!

Brad Pitt loves beautiful women. I love beautiful women!!!

It's scary how much our lives parallel each others'. I guess it's just a matter of time before I leave for Hollywood, make it big, marry a hot actress, then divorce her for another hot actress. Man, I can't wait!!

The Rudest, Worst Pick Up Lines Ever...

2005-10-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

I had to delete some, and had to clean up the rest. Forgive me if some of these still offend you but I "hear" they all work. Enjoy!

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

13. Are those real?

14. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

15. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

16. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

17. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

18. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

19. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

20. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

21. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

22. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

23. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

24. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

25. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

26. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

27. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

28. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

29. Do you have any indian in you? You want some?

My Miss Right..

2005-09-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Every one should have a list of required "must-haves" in a potential life-mate. So I've decided to list my "Top 10". These are in no particular order and don't take these too seriously. This list has already pissed off a number of my female friends.

She must be/have:

1. Attractive: The only people that say looks don't matter, are ugly people. When looks no longer matter, I'll be old, wrinkley and ugly too.

2. A Good Sense of Humor: If my jokes don't make her laugh, she has no chance with me. My jokes are so funny most times, I make myself crack up.

3. Witty: Telling a joke is one thing. Telling a timely joke that requires someone to be up-to-date on current issues surrounding the globe -- that is just plain HOT!

4. Athletic: Good looking fat girls.. are still fat. I want a woman who knows how to work off any extra weight gained after having my six children. I'm very fertile.

5. Down to Earth: Most women live in their own unique fantasy world. The goal is to find one that needs me, but not my stuff. She must realize "shopping" is not a part of Mazlow's Heirarchy of needs.

6. Christian/Protestant: This is an important one. If there's a tug-of-war on religion, there will likely be the same type of back and forth battle during the divorce.

7. A Good Cook: I once dated a woman who defined cooking as: anything that can be heated up in a microwave. If she can use a stove, good. If she know how to properly use all of those spices in the cabinet, great.

8. A Certain Height: My cut off is 5'1" for a woman. Anything shorter than that and my children have no chance of being a physical speciman like their father. They'll just be a short guy/girl with a complex.

9. Submissive: All the women are rolling their eyes at this one. But if you were to ask a guy, this would be a huge factor. Let's face it. The man is the ultimate decision maker in a relationship. He's the King. A woman is free to voice her opinion.. until there's conflict. After that, she's just causing trouble.

10. Honest/Loyal: This is as big as any requirement for me. An honest and loyal woman will never give up on your relationship. And she'll never leave. That's security baby!! It will come in handy when I hit my mid-life crisis, quit my job, and decide I want to become a fulltime "blog writer."

Let me know if I left anything out.

What a Frustrating Fear!!

2005-09-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

I went out to the "club" for the first time in a while this weekend.

Let me tell you.. there are few places I feel unable, unequipped, and unwilling to to talk to a woman. For some reason a nightclub/bar tops the short list.

Being in the news business for five years now, you'd think I'd be done with the jitters or at least be better at handling them!! I mean, I've interviewed beautiful country singers like Shania Twain, Martina McBride, Sarah Evans, even the "Bacherette's" Trista. Yet I can't get up enough guts to talk to one pretty little lady sitting by herself BEGGING me to come talk to her with her pouty lips and "come hither stare".. (you know the look I'm talking about). IT DRIVES ME FREAKIN' NUTS!!!

But don't think I don't know the reason why. I do. One word: REJECTION. And for some reason I fear it most with attractive women that I'm interested in.

Look, my momma loved me. She never left me. I'm secure in myself. Momma also says I'm funny, handsome, witty, etc. And I agree with her in the humblest of ways. ;)

BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP THE FACT TALKING TO A WOMAN MAKES MY HANDS SWEAT, MY CHEST HURT, AND MY NATURAL CONFINDENCE DIP TO THAT OF A 5-YEAR OLD ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!

That being said, when I DO talk to women.. MAN DO THEY LOVE ME!!!!

I won't lie, I've dated some HOTTIES!! Unfortunately though, the time it takes me to ask a women out usually lasts longer than the relationship itself. I guess I need to work on that.

Words of... something

2005-09-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I work in the news business.

At least twice a day, I talk to some pretty interesting people. Today, I spoke with Mrs. West from Edmond, Oklahoma. Now, if you want a solid opinion on things (whatever she's talking about at that time) you talk to this lady.

Our talk today lasted about 7 hours. At least it felt that long. Here are my favorite excerpts (in the voice of a 90-year old country girl):

On gas prices:
"First they take our shirts, now they want our pants."

On our government:
"These guys are blind in one eye and can't see well out of the other."

"The White House, it don't need a paint job on the outside.. it needs a cleanin' from the inside."

On Katrina:
"Katrina, you die out in the name of Jesus!!"

On something about her checking account:
"That check bounced like a rubber ball."

On her recent arrest:
"If Shadraq, Meshaq, and Abednego can come out not smellin' like smoke, I can too!"

Wisdom. Insanity. They're not far apart.

It's Rude to Point Son...

2005-08-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

"We're #1! We're #1!" The things they teach kids these days...

Open for Interpretation

2005-08-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've had some really weird dreams the past week.

The first happened last Friday (8/12). Let me set it up by saying there's this guy that I work with. We call him "Dangerous Dan." He's a bit off. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's the guy that could snap one day and kill everyone at work. You know the kind of guy. Anyway, the dream goes like this:

Dan and I are hanging out at a bar and for some reason we're taking shots. Not of whiskey or tequilla, or even buttery nipples.. but of basalmic vinegar. ??? What the? Basalmic vinegar? What does that mean? Am I bitter about something? I don't know.

The second dream happened last night (8/16). This one was more typical for a single man and a bit more graphic. It goes like this:

I'm in the shower with this girl I know. Naked. We're making out (of course). Then the shower begins moving. Upward. That's when I pull back the curtain and all of the sudden realize I'm in an elevator. In the shower, in an elevator.

So, I'm standing there naked, with this chick who's name I will NEVER divulge.. and the elevator door opens. Standing there are around five sorority girls. Of course they all start laughing. I look down to make sure they weren't laughing at me. They weren't. ;)

Anyway, then for some reason.. they begin throwing tampons at us. Yes, TAMPONS. Somehow I'm able to hit a level number and shut the doors. Then I wake up. ??? What is going on??? I can understand the naked girl thing, but tampons?!?! Come on.

I tell ya, weird things man. I thought the dream about the Deer driving a John Deer tractor, mowing my yard was weird.. but not after this week.

Heads Up..

2005-08-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with women and tall guys?

I'm reading a friend's blog today and I'm amazed at her fascination with tall men. Apparently I'm short because I'm "only" 5'11". That's above average according to the National Center for Health Statistics! It says the average height for an American male is 5'9 1/2" tall.

According my friend and many other women, unless you're around 6'2" or taller, you're not an option. You're too short.

Ladies, if you're single, it really narrows down your possible life-mate pool if you only date really tall guys. Honestly, how many men above 6'2" tall do you know? Not many I'm sure.

This whole thing has sparked a new viewpoint for me. I like women with big breasts.

So from now on, I'm only going to date women with D-cups or larger. I mean, C-cups are average. Why would I want average or anything less?

Yep, sorry ladies, if you're smaller than than a D-cup, your loss. Little Cozy likes women with big boobs.

You could be near perfect in every other way, but I'm not interested. You're obviously just not up to my standards.

Retarded.

The Older, fatter me..

2005-07-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

So I went swimming for the first time in about a year recently.

It was the first dip in my "latest body." I say my latest, because it changes periodically. Sometimes it's with a spare tire, sometimes it's.. okay it's always with a spare tire. Sometimes though, that tire is bigger than other times.

Last weekend, I put on an old bathing suit. It seemed to fit a bit differently than I remember. It hit just below the gut, just above the bigger butt. And there was a bit of an overhang. Can't say I was expecting that.

For the first time since I was in fifth grade, when I was a bit portly, I felt self conscious. I admit, I had to suck in. It didn't help that I was swimming in front of a couple of attractive, fit, younger women. I'd only breath while in the water and only sit down if I had a towel to cover up the rolls.

I can remember the first time I hit 200-pounds. I was actually excited. At the time I was lifting weights and thought, "the bigger, the better." Now, I can't seem to get below that 200 mark. (And yes, most of it's still muscle.)

Sure I could diet, but what fun is that? I once tried what my dad calls the "tuna diet." It's where you eat nothing but tuna fish and drink nothing but water. It's supposed to last a week. I lasted three days. I stopped when my urine smelled like fish.

Dating: The Everlasting Gobstopper of Enigmas

2005-07-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today, dating isn't easy. And to me, the hardest part.. is the beginning.

I think my main problem is my approach. I'm very passive when it comes to asking women out.

I'm not one to go up and ask a complete stranger out on a date. I think the fear of rejection is too overwhelming. That and the thought of a boisterous laugh or a stiff arm to the face, haunt me.

I can't phathom seeing an attractive woman and in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds, saying to myself, "I'm going to ask that girl out right now." Just the thought of doing so makes me cringe and dry heave.

For some men, asking out a complete stranger is easy. I have a friend who, before he was married, had mastered the, for a better term, "Daring Stranger Stalk and Walk."

His theory was simple. He played the odds. One out of ten "Yes',"was still one. He didn't let the other nine, "No! Get away from me creep!," comments bother him. These odds eventually landed him his wife. A girl that, if he'd never had the guts to ask out, he would never have known.

If he'd taken my approach, he'd still be single. He would have taken his thoughts about her, swallowed them, and chalked it up as another missed opportunity.

If asking out a complete stranger isn't bad enough, I feel even less motivated to ask out my girl friends. You know, my friends that are girls.

I think many of us share this fear. To ask someone out you know and know well, can be dangerous. If it doesn't work, your friendship is all but ruined. Sure you 'might' marry this person and live 'happily ever after..", but why would I want to risk it?

I guess that's why I've recently asked out girls I know, but not really. The past two women I've dated have come from work. Probably not the best idea.

Again, I'm pretty sure it all goes back to fear. Being a person who has experienced little rejection in my life, I'm not interested is starting now.

I think dating will remain an enimga to me for some time. I guess it's like a puzzle that, unless you have all the pieces together in order, it never quite makes sense.

From Grandma Doodle's Kitchen..

2005-06-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

Grandma Doodle's Famous Vegetable Stew

Brown 1 to 1 1/2 lbs. ground beef in large pot.
Drain well.
Add 1 can tomato soup.
Add 1 package onion soup.
Stir well.
Add potatoes (about 1 per person) chopped into about 1 inch squares.
Add about four sliced carrots.
Cover this with water and simmer until carrots are done.
Add 1 can drained green beans.
Add l can corn.
Heat until hot and season to taste.

This is a family favorite served with cornbread. We like Shawnee's best cornbread mix. I follow the directions on the package but add a little sugar and bake it in an iron skillet to make it crispy on the outside. Mmmm good!

My Brother is still "Perfect"

2005-05-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

Great news everybody! My brother got ANOTHER raise!!! YEA!!!!!!!!

Seriously, this is getting to be a bi-monthly kick in the crotch.

How much money can this boy make before he hits puberty? Not only is he two years younger than I am, but he can now literally buy and sell his older brother.

If he were to offer me 30-grand a year to be his pool boy, I would seriously consider it. Maybe he'll even let me live in his guest room. Better yet, his pool house. Then maybe I'll be able to take on my dream title of "Starving Writer. Will work for chlorine."

Look, I'm proud of by little-bigger bro' (did I mention he's 5 inches taller than I am?). He's worked hard to get where he is today. He also picked a profession that pays more than mine does.

No, I thought I wanted to write about things that would make a difference in the world. Instead, my job responsibility includes writing promotional pieces for the highest bidder and taking whatever "payola" I can from people.. like those at the Prague Kolachi Festival. "Here Cozy.. I thought you could use a few delicious kolachi's. Free of charge of course. (wink, wink)." Of course.

Did I mention I love my brother?

A funny little email on Women..

2005-05-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

Some things never change. I found this email that I sent my dad a couple of years ago. It's still relavent today:

Dad,

Well.. the saga continues for my love life.

The latest "adventure" involves an older woman. An intelligent woman. But obviously a woman that can't take a joke. What was the joke you ask? Well, one rainy day, I went to pick up "L", we'll call her, for dinner. "L" loves her dog. A lot. So much so that even when he is soaked to the bone and stinks to high heaven, she's still able to pick him up and love all over him. Ahh how frickin' sweet. HOWEVER, that doesn't fly with me.

A woman that smells like wet dog, for some reason or another, isn't that appealing. Maybe it's just me. So, I told her, "You know, you smell. You smell like a wet dog." (Note to self: Never tell a woman that she smells like wet dog. Check.) Needless to say, she wasn't very happy. In fact, she hasn't said a word to me since. Maybe she's just blowing off steam, maybe she's bathing.

So let me get this straight.. woman want men to be honest. Then they ask questions like, do I look fat in this? Or, were you just staring at that girl's butt? Or, did you mess around with my best-friend? You want the truth?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

My past relationship experiences thus far can be summarized in this phrase,"...like death.. on a cracker."

You & Me

2005-05-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a poet, and didn't know it.

There was a plan,
to that God stuck.
All thanks to fate,
no thanks to luck.

Two different lives,
together at last.
All at His speed,
and not too fast.

So here and now,
we two both stand.
Together with God,
here, hand in hand.

Now it's to you,
and no one else.
I give my heart,
I pledge myself.

Old and gray yes,
we'll someday be.
But together forever,
both you and me.

Me and My Marathon

2005-04-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

So I've picked up running.

I know what you're thinking, "Why?" Well that's a good question. Until recently, running always brought back memories of long days on the track, the field or in gym. Days of a coach yelling at you, pushing you to go further.. dig deeper.. until you puke. Especially LONG DISTANCE running.

But my running today is different from then. I'm no longer a sprinter. And I actually enjoy the extended pain. To a point.

Last weekend I ran in my first half marathon. That's 13.1 miles. I spent nearly three months training for it. I worked my way from 15 minutes of running, all the way up to 2 hours of running, non-stop. As I was running in the big race, at times I felt like an athlete again. It's amazing what cheering crowds do for your energy level. On top of the adrenaline high, I've also lost weight and lowered my blood pressure. My doctor should be happy to hear that.

My friend Clint also ran with me. Now he wants to run a full marathon, 26.2 miles. Six months ago I would have laughed and said he was crazy. Today, I'm actually considering it. Of course, I'll have to start training when I can walk again. Thanks to the race, right now I'm hobbling along like an old man with arthritis.

Ode to My Office

2005-04-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

Something in my office stinks.

I've checked my feet, beneath my seat,
something in my office stinks.

My draws are clean, my teeth -- they gleam,
but something in my office stinks.

It smells like peas and rotten cheese,
seriously, something in my office stinks.

It makes me scowl, it smells so foul..
MAN!!! SOMETHING IN MY OFFICE STINKS!

Sniff, sniff, okay.. it's the microwave.
Now who cooked cabbage and hot links?!

Seriously man, it wreaks! Whew!!

I'm not, so don't worry

2005-04-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've never thought that I had "gay tendencies".. until this past Friday night.

My Friday started off like any other manly, masculine day. I woke up 20 minutes before having to be at work. I had a Gatorade and Hostess Cherry Fruit Pie (with real cherry filling) for breakfast. Lunch consisted of a chicken, bacon, ranch sandwich, with chips and a root beer from Subway. As for my work day, it was the normal beat down. I guess it was around seven o'clock that night, things began to change.

Let me just tell you, every Friday night I join the other singles or "losers" as we're known at church, for a night of sad singles' softball. It's something we do to forget, at least for a little while, our sad, pathetic lonely lives. Anyway, sitting on the bench for the entire game, I found myself a bit bored. So when my friend, "Greiner" asked if I wanted to hang out, along with our friend "Mamy", I said sure. Why not? Just me and the gals.

Our fun began with a trip to Target and the "hair-coloring" isle. I guess it was somewhere inbetween Nice 'n Easy 113 Natural Burgandy and "Greiner's" purchase of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," I blacked out. The next thing I know, I'm watching a chic flick and COLORING GREINER'S HAIR! Straight men don't color hair?!?! Do they? No. And what's worse, it turned out well. Which makes me wonder, did I chose the wrong career?

I've hit a new low. What's worse.. "Greiner's" bragging about her new colorist. Men, I apologize. Dad, I hope you can forgive me.

The Power of Last Names

2005-04-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've always thought I've had a strong last name.

Hawkins. It speaks of power. Strength. It originates from the English language. It's first appeared in North America back in the 1600s. The Hawkins Clan even has its' own motto: "Toujours pret". Translated it means "Always ready." Damn right.

But not all men are as lucky to have such a distinguished surname as I am. Some have absolutely horrible last names. And ladies, when it comes to changing yours, doesn't that matter? I mean, seriously, if you were to meet the man of your dreams, perfect in everyway.. only later to find out his last name is "Phat" or "Poo".. wouldn't it affect whether you're interested, just a little? Or what if his name was something you always had to spell out for people like, "Fingerlickersteinamon"? Would that not affect your decision to take his last name? "Ya know, I think I'm going to keep mine. Maybe hyphenate."

Women are raised to look forward to their wedding day. It's the day they become a princess. A day when all of the attention, all eyes, are on them. But what if you were introduced at your reception as "Mr. and Mrs. Fagina". Yikes. Just think about it.

Hip Hop Hottie

2005-04-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm considering joining a Hip-Hop dance class.

I know, it seems a bit odd. An aging white boy, wanting to learn to dance with a new 'flava'', but whatever. It's just an idea.

I remember the last time I took lessons. I was in the seventh grade. I asked my friend Aaron to teach me a dance move for the big "Easter Eggstravaganza Dance". I wanted to impress the ladies. He taught me one move. And let me tell you, it worked. Not only did it impress the ladies, it SOMEHOW won me a dance competition. I remember at one point during my "gyration," someone saying, "Do something different!" But I just stayed focused.. twisting.. turning.. hypnotising...

But I'm not the young stallion I used to be. I'm nearing 30 and I'm losing touch with the younger generation and its' music. Let's just hope I can still "feel" the beat. Because if I can.. look out ladies.. C-Dogg is back and he's got his dancin' shoes dusted! Nah! Shi' mone!

Words from a true poet..

2005-03-31T12:15:00.000-08:00

One of the 21st century's finest poets at work.. enjoy!

Hot in...
So hot in herre...
So hot in...

I was like, good gracious ass bodacious
Flirtatious, tryin to show patience
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)
Lookin for the right time to flash them keys
Then um I'm leavin, please believin
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you
And cant nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use

[Hook x2]
(I said)Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes
I am gettin so hot, I wanna take my clothes off

Why you at the bar if you aint poppin the bottles
What good is all the fame if you aint poppin the models
I see you drivin, sportscar, aint hittin the throttle
And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles
Get off the freeway, exit 106 and parked it
Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it
Gucci collar for dollar, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I cant talk it
Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint
VOKAL tanktop, on at this point
Your with a winner so baby you cant loose
I got secrets cant leave Cancun
So take it off like your home alone
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,like "girl I think my butt gettin big"

[Hook x2]
(Nelly hang all out) Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah(Nelly just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah(Nelly hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah(Nelly just fall out)

I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah[Nelly]
Stop placin, time wastin
I gotta a friend with a pole in the basement (What?)
I'm just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Unless you gon' do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news
Nelly took a trip from the Luna to Neptunes
Came back with somethin thicker than fittin in sasoons
Say she like to think about cuttin in restrooms

[Hook x4]
(Nelly hang all out)
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah(Nelly just fall out)
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah(Nelly hang all out)
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah(Nelly just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah

PURE POETRY.. THANK YOU NELLY. THANK YOU.

Not made to be a "Lifer"

2005-03-21T13:33:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed at those few individuals who can begin and end their working careers at the same place.

You don't see it that often anymore. Most of us change jobs and careers at least a handful of times during our lives. The men in my family are no different. Throughout his life my Grampa Ken worked as a chicken & turkey farmer, a real estate broker, he worked at Tinker Air Force Base, he even sold magnets and special water he believed could heal the sick and blind. My dad was a real estate broker, a banker, a loan collector, and most recently a plastics salesman. He's now decided to quit the plastics business and reenter the real estate field. As for me, since entering the workforce in 2000, I've worked for four different employers in three different fields. Sales, military, and television.

I wonder what type of person it takes to be a "lifer" or if there's really such a thing anymore. In a nation of high divorce rates, fast food, e-mail, overweight video-game-loving children, and road rage, my thinking is that most of us don't have the patience to stick with one profession our entire lives. Frankly to me, it sounds boring.

Today's Crack Whore

2005-02-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

It's a common name used by today's hippest generation. Until now, I've never been called one. Again, that is until now.

The name "Crack Whore", actually comes to us from the Latin word Crackus Whorious, meaning one who offers sexual pleasure for crack cocaine. Today, it's an everyday expression used by many American teenagers. Case in point, the other day my teenage sister looked at me and exclaimed, "You're such a Crack Whore." Now I know she meant it in the nicest possible way but seriously, I've never used crack let alone given "favors" for crack. As I sat there, trying to think of a suitable comeback, she just smiled. Finally I responded. "Well you're a crackhead." And with that I lowered myself to a 13-year old's level.

It seems no longer are these names an insult to a drug user but rather shots used among friends (and now I guess family). Oh and don't forget "Crackpot" or "Crackpipe" both, seem to be gaining popularity among the youngsters.

With the new "teenager speak" I've also realized I've hit a new language barrier. I'm now at the age where I can no longer explain the lingo to my parents. Now I'm about as cool as they are, or as my sister says, "You're about as cool as AIDS." That's another story. Okay so I'm not old enough to be called "Sir" by an attractive young 20-something but I'm close. I think it all goes along with other things moving along and up in my life: including my weight, my blood pressure.. and my hair line. But you better not say a word about it you Crack Whore!

Somewhere in Pakistan...

2005-02-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hi guys.

We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no "I"in Al Qaeda" as well as the one that says "Hang In There!" That cat is hilarious! Just a note though, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on Earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, do not ride your Razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were half gone. A little freakin' consideration guys. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Randy. Thanks.

Peace out homies,

Osama "Big O" bin Laden

My Dad's Advice on Women

2005-02-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

I recently wrote my dad an email about women. In the two sentence note I asked for some advice. What I received not only came in chapters, it also cast doubt on whether my dad actually works while at work. I've decided to share his advice with you so that you too may learn from the all knowing middle-aged white man.

----------------

Cody,

I know you're a grown man and all, but I think I can give you some good advice about women if you want it. I can't claim I knew this when I was your age. But, think about what you want in a wife...Don't get nervous. I'm not trying to push you in that direction, because I don't think you're ready for it.

Think about what you want in a woman... Athletic, Good figure, Pretty Face, Christian, Sharp witted (someone who has a good and funny come back line), Kind and Caring Personality, In control of her habits (buying, drinking, drugs, etc.), Wealthy Daddy who wants to see his daughter live well no matter who she marries, Low Maintenance (not too spoiled), Good job but supportive of your career goals, Articulate and intelligent (but not so smart that she thinks you are dumb), Willing to sacrifice for your interests, Good genes, Good health, Reasonable stature (so your not going to raise a bunch of midgets), Reasonably close to your age, Same interest and timing for children, etc.

I realize some of these are going to conflict with the others but you get the point. No woman will have all these things. And, then let's be honest, if she does, what have you got that would make her want only you?

Keep in mind, if she's got all these things she's going to have her list too. What's the chances that her list will include: Find a man who's making $12.00 an hour and whose family doesn't have any money. (By the way, that's you.) Slim to none. Find a woman that isn't looking to get married in the next couple of years. That cuts out most of the women your age. If it means you are looking for a fresh college graduate, then fine. Look for one who can share your dream of moving up in the TV markets, but who isn't going to be required to live on the salary you can provide at this time. Look for a woman who is willing to adjust her own career goals. If she's already working in her chosen career, by the time you're ready to move up, she'll be established in her job and will have to choose between her career dream and the relationship. That sometimes causes trouble. Even if she could move and find another job, she'll be at a disadvantage for employment if her employer knows that she's going to pick up and move everytime you get a promotion. You need to start frequenting areas where girls like the ones you're looking for hang out. Try church.

Thanks Dad.

What Women Want

2005-02-08T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's a question that men everywhere have been asking for centuries.

How do I attract women?

Well after years of research and plenty of trial and error, I have found the answer. The way to get a woman is.. you ready? The way to get a woman.. is to act as if you could care less whether you had one or not.

It's that simple. Need an example? Okay. Here it goes. I was with a few lady friends last week. As I walked through the door of their apartment, and made the mistake of talking during "The Bachelorette." Not only did they tell me to "Shhh!," all three sat in silence, focused on the television screen. Now, until that night I'd never seen an episode of the show. But what's funny is, it didn't matter. I knew within 10 minutes of watching the show, who the Bachelorette would pick. When the ladies realized I was right, they sat in amazement.

How did I do it? It's simple. Women almost always go for the jerk. The guy that offered everything, good looks, a great family, that's not what women want. Oh they may tell you that's what they want, but it's not. Most want a "fixer upper." Women almost always go for the guy that's harder to get. They like the challenge. The chase. Why go for a guy that's willing to give his heart? Why go for a guy that promises to treat you right until the day you die? That's boring, right ladies? Now some of you are saying no. You're saying, "I'm not that kind of girl." My response. I don't think so. I'm a single man. Single by choice. But I've run a couple of tests recently. I've been the "nice" guy. I've also been the "jerk." Ladies, whether you like it or not, nine times out of 10, you go for the jerk.

I once dated a girl who told me to be honest with her because her last boyfriend wasn't. I said okay. One night, I told her she smelled like a wet dog. She did! But for some reason she got pissed off? I thought we were in the trust tree? I thought we could be honest. Another girl asked me the question every man dreads, "What's wrong?" I said nothing. After asking me the question for the 10th time I finally answered her. "You want to know what's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong. I have certain standards. And you don't meet those standards. We're not going to work." I believe her words were, ".....Why you little.." The fact is, women don't want honesty, they want lies that help their self esteem. What's funny? After all was said and done, both women still wanted to date me. Both wanted the jerk.

An ass, will always be an ass. It's like the Montgomery-Gentry song says, "She changed her mind, when she couldn't change me." Guys, the question you should be asking yourself isn't, "How do I attract women?" The question should be, "How do I attract the right woman?" The answer? Be yourself. There's bound to be at least one woman that can put up with you for a lifetime, right? As for you ladies.. don't date a guy because you think you can change him. If you do, it's likely in a year or two, you'll be asking yourself why you wasted your time. Instead, make a list of qualities you want and start looking. Don't be disappointed if it takes you until you're in your late twenties or thirties to find the right person. You've got the rest of your life to be married.

My Brother, "Mr. Perfect"

2005-02-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

My younger brother makes me sick sometimes.

A couple weeks ago I went with him to look for an apartment. He's taken a new job and needs a place that's cheap while he tries to sell his house. Everything was great until the apartment manager asked him how much money he makes in a month. His response made my jaw drop. It was then I found out that my younger brother makes nearly three-times as much as I do. I was speechless. It was the latest "kick in the crotch" which just adds to a growing frustration with my mother's other son.

A long time issue has been our size difference. My brother is taller than I am. Not a by an inch or two, but by five inches. I'm 5'11".. he's 6'4". Height jokes are never in "short" supply at family gatherings. Now the comments are beginning to also come from my 13-year-old sister. She's now growing at an alarming rate and feels she can make fun. You could say my brother is the tall, dark and handsome man most women go for. Me on the other hand.. well I'm just handsome.

I guess the whole issue isn't his fault. It's my parents fault. Damn dad's faulty young sperm and damn mom's old egg!!

Love Thy Neighbor

2005-02-04T15:02:00.000-08:00

Do you know your neighbors?

It's a random question but these days most of us would probably say, "No." I was just thinking about it. I don't know mine. Not really anyway. I bought a house in Northwest Oklahoma City about a year and a half ago. The only time I've ever given more than a "Hey" or a head nod was October 10, 2004. That was the day may house was burglarized. Someone apparently went through the back window and took my TV, golf clubs.. about $2000 worth of stuff. The only reason I talked to them then was because three police officers showed up and went into the house with their guns drawn. (I thought someone may still be inside.) Later that night one of my neighbors even brought me coffee and cookies. It was a very nice gesture. I've yet to give them their coffee cup back. It's insulated.

On the Downhill Slide

2005-02-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

I'm getting old. And fat. Day by day.

This morning I found hair in and around my sink. My six pack has transformed into two cans on top of a party ball. Weighing 200 pounds isn't as "cool" as I thought it once would be. The dark rings under my eyes are beginning to have rings of their own. Years of swinting have created premature and permanent crows-feet. There are now lines in my forehead. The kid that could once pull an all nighter is now voluntarily going to bed at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. That's of course preceded by a mid afternoon nap. Every morning I experience breath-taking back pain, an obvious sign of aging. My feet and my knees hurt. I think more about paying bills and work than I do about junk food and girls. Instead of wondering if a woman has a boyfriend I wonder if she's engaged, married, divorced, divorced with kid(s), or married with kids and looking for some action on the side. Amazingly I tend to attract the divorcee "with baggage." "Will you be my baby-daddy?" No. The first thing I used to notice were a girl's eyes. Now it's whether or not she's wearing a fat ring on her left hand or pushing a stroller. Add insult to injury my mom wants grandkids. I tell her I plan to have kids someday.. then maybe I get married (wink wink). No, things could be worse. Luckily I don't think too much about this kind of stuff.