My Miss Right..

Every one should have a list of required "must-haves" in a potential life-mate. So I've decided to list my "Top 10". These are in no particular order and don't take these too seriously. This list has already pissed off a number of my female friends.

She must be/have:

1. Attractive: The only people that say looks don't matter, are ugly people. When looks no longer matter, I'll be old, wrinkley and ugly too.

2. A Good Sense of Humor: If my jokes don't make her laugh, she has no chance with me. My jokes are so funny most times, I make myself crack up.

3. Witty: Telling a joke is one thing. Telling a timely joke that requires someone to be up-to-date on current issues surrounding the globe -- that is just plain HOT!

4. Athletic: Good looking fat girls.. are still fat. I want a woman who knows how to work off any extra weight gained after having my six children. I'm very fertile.

5. Down to Earth: Most women live in their own unique fantasy world. The goal is to find one that needs me, but not my stuff. She must realize "shopping" is not a part of Mazlow's Heirarchy of needs.

6. Christian/Protestant: This is an important one. If there's a tug-of-war on religion, there will likely be the same type of back and forth battle during the divorce.

7. A Good Cook: I once dated a woman who defined cooking as: anything that can be heated up in a microwave. If she can use a stove, good. If she know how to properly use all of those spices in the cabinet, great.

8. A Certain Height: My cut off is 5'1" for a woman. Anything shorter than that and my children have no chance of being a physical speciman like their father. They'll just be a short guy/girl with a complex.

9. Submissive: All the women are rolling their eyes at this one. But if you were to ask a guy, this would be a huge factor. Let's face it. The man is the ultimate decision maker in a relationship. He's the King. A woman is free to voice her opinion.. until there's conflict. After that, she's just causing trouble.

10. Honest/Loyal: This is as big as any requirement for me. An honest and loyal woman will never give up on your relationship. And she'll never leave. That's security baby!! It will come in handy when I hit my mid-life crisis, quit my job, and decide I want to become a fulltime "blog writer."

Let me know if I left anything out.

What a Frustrating Fear!!

I went out to the "club" for the first time in a while this weekend.

Let me tell you.. there are few places I feel unable, unequipped, and unwilling to to talk to a woman. For some reason a nightclub/bar tops the short list.

Being in the news business for five years now, you'd think I'd be done with the jitters or at least be better at handling them!! I mean, I've interviewed beautiful country singers like Shania Twain, Martina McBride, Sarah Evans, even the "Bacherette's" Trista. Yet I can't get up enough guts to talk to one pretty little lady sitting by herself BEGGING me to come talk to her with her pouty lips and "come hither stare".. (you know the look I'm talking about). IT DRIVES ME FREAKIN' NUTS!!!

But don't think I don't know the reason why. I do. One word: REJECTION. And for some reason I fear it most with attractive women that I'm interested in.

Look, my momma loved me. She never left me. I'm secure in myself. Momma also says I'm funny, handsome, witty, etc. And I agree with her in the humblest of ways. ;)

BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP THE FACT TALKING TO A WOMAN MAKES MY HANDS SWEAT, MY CHEST HURT, AND MY NATURAL CONFINDENCE DIP TO THAT OF A 5-YEAR OLD ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!

That being said, when I DO talk to women.. MAN DO THEY LOVE ME!!!!

I won't lie, I've dated some HOTTIES!! Unfortunately though, the time it takes me to ask a women out usually lasts longer than the relationship itself. I guess I need to work on that.

Words of... something

I work in the news business.

At least twice a day, I talk to some pretty interesting people. Today, I spoke with Mrs. West from Edmond, Oklahoma. Now, if you want a solid opinion on things (whatever she's talking about at that time) you talk to this lady.

Our talk today lasted about 7 hours. At least it felt that long. Here are my favorite excerpts (in the voice of a 90-year old country girl):

On gas prices:
"First they take our shirts, now they want our pants."

On our government:
"These guys are blind in one eye and can't see well out of the other."

"The White House, it don't need a paint job on the outside.. it needs a cleanin' from the inside."

On Katrina:
"Katrina, you die out in the name of Jesus!!"

On something about her checking account:
"That check bounced like a rubber ball."

On her recent arrest:
"If Shadraq, Meshaq, and Abednego can come out not smellin' like smoke, I can too!"

Wisdom. Insanity. They're not far apart.