Today's Crack Whore

It's a common name used by today's hippest generation. Until now, I've never been called one. Again, that is until now.

The name "Crack Whore", actually comes to us from the Latin word Crackus Whorious, meaning one who offers sexual pleasure for crack cocaine. Today, it's an everyday expression used by many American teenagers. Case in point, the other day my teenage sister looked at me and exclaimed, "You're such a Crack Whore." Now I know she meant it in the nicest possible way but seriously, I've never used crack let alone given "favors" for crack. As I sat there, trying to think of a suitable comeback, she just smiled. Finally I responded. "Well you're a crackhead." And with that I lowered myself to a 13-year old's level.

It seems no longer are these names an insult to a drug user but rather shots used among friends (and now I guess family). Oh and don't forget "Crackpot" or "Crackpipe" both, seem to be gaining popularity among the youngsters.

With the new "teenager speak" I've also realized I've hit a new language barrier. I'm now at the age where I can no longer explain the lingo to my parents. Now I'm about as cool as they are, or as my sister says, "You're about as cool as AIDS." That's another story. Okay so I'm not old enough to be called "Sir" by an attractive young 20-something but I'm close. I think it all goes along with other things moving along and up in my life: including my weight, my blood pressure.. and my hair line. But you better not say a word about it you Crack Whore!

Somewhere in Pakistan...

Hi guys.

We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no "I"in Al Qaeda" as well as the one that says "Hang In There!" That cat is hilarious! Just a note though, while we are fighting a Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on Earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, do not ride your Razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were half gone. A little freakin' consideration guys. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Randy. Thanks.

Peace out homies,

Osama "Big O" bin Laden

My Dad's Advice on Women

I recently wrote my dad an email about women. In the two sentence note I asked for some advice. What I received not only came in chapters, it also cast doubt on whether my dad actually works while at work. I've decided to share his advice with you so that you too may learn from the all knowing middle-aged white man.

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Cody,

I know you're a grown man and all, but I think I can give you some good advice about women if you want it. I can't claim I knew this when I was your age. But, think about what you want in a wife...Don't get nervous. I'm not trying to push you in that direction, because I don't think you're ready for it.

Think about what you want in a woman... Athletic, Good figure, Pretty Face, Christian, Sharp witted (someone who has a good and funny come back line), Kind and Caring Personality, In control of her habits (buying, drinking, drugs, etc.), Wealthy Daddy who wants to see his daughter live well no matter who she marries, Low Maintenance (not too spoiled), Good job but supportive of your career goals, Articulate and intelligent (but not so smart that she thinks you are dumb), Willing to sacrifice for your interests, Good genes, Good health, Reasonable stature (so your not going to raise a bunch of midgets), Reasonably close to your age, Same interest and timing for children, etc.

I realize some of these are going to conflict with the others but you get the point. No woman will have all these things. And, then let's be honest, if she does, what have you got that would make her want only you?

Keep in mind, if she's got all these things she's going to have her list too. What's the chances that her list will include: Find a man who's making $12.00 an hour and whose family doesn't have any money. (By the way, that's you.) Slim to none. Find a woman that isn't looking to get married in the next couple of years. That cuts out most of the women your age. If it means you are looking for a fresh college graduate, then fine. Look for one who can share your dream of moving up in the TV markets, but who isn't going to be required to live on the salary you can provide at this time. Look for a woman who is willing to adjust her own career goals. If she's already working in her chosen career, by the time you're ready to move up, she'll be established in her job and will have to choose between her career dream and the relationship. That sometimes causes trouble. Even if she could move and find another job, she'll be at a disadvantage for employment if her employer knows that she's going to pick up and move everytime you get a promotion. You need to start frequenting areas where girls like the ones you're looking for hang out. Try church.

Thanks Dad.

What Women Want

It's a question that men everywhere have been asking for centuries.

How do I attract women?

Well after years of research and plenty of trial and error, I have found the answer. The way to get a woman is.. you ready? The way to get a woman.. is to act as if you could care less whether you had one or not.

It's that simple. Need an example? Okay. Here it goes. I was with a few lady friends last week. As I walked through the door of their apartment, and made the mistake of talking during "The Bachelorette." Not only did they tell me to "Shhh!," all three sat in silence, focused on the television screen. Now, until that night I'd never seen an episode of the show. But what's funny is, it didn't matter. I knew within 10 minutes of watching the show, who the Bachelorette would pick. When the ladies realized I was right, they sat in amazement.

How did I do it? It's simple. Women almost always go for the jerk. The guy that offered everything, good looks, a great family, that's not what women want. Oh they may tell you that's what they want, but it's not. Most want a "fixer upper." Women almost always go for the guy that's harder to get. They like the challenge. The chase. Why go for a guy that's willing to give his heart? Why go for a guy that promises to treat you right until the day you die? That's boring, right ladies? Now some of you are saying no. You're saying, "I'm not that kind of girl." My response. I don't think so. I'm a single man. Single by choice. But I've run a couple of tests recently. I've been the "nice" guy. I've also been the "jerk." Ladies, whether you like it or not, nine times out of 10, you go for the jerk.

I once dated a girl who told me to be honest with her because her last boyfriend wasn't. I said okay. One night, I told her she smelled like a wet dog. She did! But for some reason she got pissed off? I thought we were in the trust tree? I thought we could be honest. Another girl asked me the question every man dreads, "What's wrong?" I said nothing. After asking me the question for the 10th time I finally answered her. "You want to know what's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong. I have certain standards. And you don't meet those standards. We're not going to work." I believe her words were, ".....Why you little.." The fact is, women don't want honesty, they want lies that help their self esteem. What's funny? After all was said and done, both women still wanted to date me. Both wanted the jerk.

An ass, will always be an ass. It's like the Montgomery-Gentry song says, "She changed her mind, when she couldn't change me." Guys, the question you should be asking yourself isn't, "How do I attract women?" The question should be, "How do I attract the right woman?" The answer? Be yourself. There's bound to be at least one woman that can put up with you for a lifetime, right? As for you ladies.. don't date a guy because you think you can change him. If you do, it's likely in a year or two, you'll be asking yourself why you wasted your time. Instead, make a list of qualities you want and start looking. Don't be disappointed if it takes you until you're in your late twenties or thirties to find the right person. You've got the rest of your life to be married.

My Brother, "Mr. Perfect"

My younger brother makes me sick sometimes.

A couple weeks ago I went with him to look for an apartment. He's taken a new job and needs a place that's cheap while he tries to sell his house. Everything was great until the apartment manager asked him how much money he makes in a month. His response made my jaw drop. It was then I found out that my younger brother makes nearly three-times as much as I do. I was speechless. It was the latest "kick in the crotch" which just adds to a growing frustration with my mother's other son.

A long time issue has been our size difference. My brother is taller than I am. Not a by an inch or two, but by five inches. I'm 5'11".. he's 6'4". Height jokes are never in "short" supply at family gatherings. Now the comments are beginning to also come from my 13-year-old sister. She's now growing at an alarming rate and feels she can make fun. You could say my brother is the tall, dark and handsome man most women go for. Me on the other hand.. well I'm just handsome.

I guess the whole issue isn't his fault. It's my parents fault. Damn dad's faulty young sperm and damn mom's old egg!!

Love Thy Neighbor

Do you know your neighbors?

It's a random question but these days most of us would probably say, "No." I was just thinking about it. I don't know mine. Not really anyway. I bought a house in Northwest Oklahoma City about a year and a half ago. The only time I've ever given more than a "Hey" or a head nod was October 10, 2004. That was the day may house was burglarized. Someone apparently went through the back window and took my TV, golf clubs.. about $2000 worth of stuff. The only reason I talked to them then was because three police officers showed up and went into the house with their guns drawn. (I thought someone may still be inside.) Later that night one of my neighbors even brought me coffee and cookies. It was a very nice gesture. I've yet to give them their coffee cup back. It's insulated.

On the Downhill Slide

I'm getting old. And fat. Day by day.

This morning I found hair in and around my sink. My six pack has transformed into two cans on top of a party ball. Weighing 200 pounds isn't as "cool" as I thought it once would be. The dark rings under my eyes are beginning to have rings of their own. Years of swinting have created premature and permanent crows-feet. There are now lines in my forehead. The kid that could once pull an all nighter is now voluntarily going to bed at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. That's of course preceded by a mid afternoon nap. Every morning I experience breath-taking back pain, an obvious sign of aging. My feet and my knees hurt. I think more about paying bills and work than I do about junk food and girls. Instead of wondering if a woman has a boyfriend I wonder if she's engaged, married, divorced, divorced with kid(s), or married with kids and looking for some action on the side. Amazingly I tend to attract the divorcee "with baggage." "Will you be my baby-daddy?" No. The first thing I used to notice were a girl's eyes. Now it's whether or not she's wearing a fat ring on her left hand or pushing a stroller. Add insult to injury my mom wants grandkids. I tell her I plan to have kids someday.. then maybe I get married (wink wink). No, things could be worse. Luckily I don't think too much about this kind of stuff.